IMDB Summary: Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.
Okay so if you're looking for a quasi-steampunky style Handsel and Gretel story complete with dope automatic crossbows, foul language, and Gretel spending the movie stuffed into tight leather pants and a corset then here it is.
The "basic" story of Hansel and Gretel is intact... insofar as they kill a witch as kids. That's pretty much where the similarities end.
Flash-forward a few years later and H&G are the biggest, baddest Witch Hunters on the planet, delving out the smack down with martial arts, badass weapons, and quippy one-liners.
So our story brings us to a crappy little town where a bunch of chill'un have gone missing and as it turns out the Witches are planning a big sacrifice then requires a child born from each month of the year, a blood moon, and the heart of a white witch. This ritual will make witches impervious to fire (which is apparently the best way to kill a witch but who didn't know that already right?)
No prob for H&G right? It's a fairly hokey story from there on out that includes some cool moments such as Hansel's need to inject himself periodically because when he was a kid a witch forced him to eat so much candy he got "the sugar sickness."
There's some fairly typical characters as well:
There's the nerdy fan boy who loves H&G (particularly G but who doesn't?) and has been keeping track of their career because he wants to be a witch hunter himself one day.
There's the local sheriff (Peter Stormare who always delivers) who's probably corrupt and resents H&G honing in on his turf and getting all of the glory. (Note: He gets his head squashed by a troll)
And of course there's the darkly attractive badass super witch with a capital B who acts as the main antagonist played by Famke Janssen.
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| Hot in that "I could devour your liver in a moment if I wanted to" sort of way
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And now it's just poetic justice that H&G have returned here, unknowingly to their hometown, to do battle with a huge gaggle of witches. A huge battle ensues, the witches grab the last child they need to complete their 12, and Hansel winds up grabbing onto a witches broom and getting carried across the countryside whereas Gretel does battle with big bad witch and while I won't say she gets her ass kicked she doesn't exactly come out on top. Undaunted she goes searching for her brother only to be ambushed by the sheriff and his men who proceed to beat the hell out of her until a nearby troll shows up and basically makes soup out of her attackers. Badly beaten the troll carries her to a nearby spring and proceeds to clean her up and tend to her wounds. Gretel, somewhat shocked by this asks troll guy why he helped her.
To be honest, I was really expecting an answer like "I used to be a handsome woodsman but the evil witch turned me into a troll and now I serve her... but when I saw the bad men attacking you it stirred something inside of me, a sense of justice and right and I could not allow it to happen."
Instead the Troll gets up and walks away muttering "Trolls serve witches."
So now you're thinkin' he did the right thing but has to leave her now because Trolls serve witches and he'll get in trouble if he's caught helping the witch hunter, right? RIGHT??
Sigh....things are not looking good to this point. Gretel got her ass beat down twice and now Hansel's hanging in a tree in the middle of the forest where he presumably fell or was dropped by the witch he was ridin' dirty with.
BUT WAIT!...
Early on in the film H&G stop the local sheriff from killing a poor innocent woman who he accused of being a witch (you can see her in the background picture up there), well it turns out she WAS a witch!.... a white one...
Wait... no....
THIS ONE!
So she just happens to be in the forest where Hansel's hanging and after he falls quite un-cat-like out of the tree she brings him to a nearby spring of healing water to tend to his wounds.....Right so she and Hansel get freak nasty in the water (no real nudity to brag about btw) during which Hansel has no idea if his sister is still alive or not but oh well if hot peasant girls wants to get freak nasty who's he to say no. She unveils her witchy ways to him, casts some spells over Hansels arsenal and he prepares to do battle with the witch crew with only white witch and nerdy fanboy in tow.
A big battle ensues complete with H&G kicking ass, taking names, and white witchy up there on a spelled up, super magic Gatling gun that just tears down some bad witch ass.
Of course the bad witch escapes the carnage and they give chase only to return to where it all began: The Candy House where it all began. Where H&G bagged their first bitch, er, witch.
H&G's reaction upon seeing the ol' place again: "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
So, big showdown ensues, and big bad witch is not happy.
Okay I am seriously not finding you appealing anymore...
Who wins? Who do you thnk? Complete with quippy one-liners they dispatch the evil witch once and for all and restore peace to the shithole town!
H&G, Troll Guy, and Nerdy Fanboy metaphorically ride off into the sunset and an epilogue scene shows the foursome are travelling the world dealing pain and good riddance to any witches they may find. Happily Ever After? Maybe. But a sequel is in the works.
This movie actually had a budget. Like, a real one. Fifty million to be exact so it's not surprising that the look and feel of it is a bit more movie-like then a lot of made-for-tv, direct-to-video "bad" movies out there. There's some star power in Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton (H&G), Peter Stormare is a very reliable, accomplished character actor, and Famke Janssen has been in everything from Bond Movies to X-Men so this is not a list of no-names here. A-List? Not quite but solid B+/A- list actors for sure.
At it's heart it's a steampunky type, over the top re-telling of the fairy tale with a lot of campy moments and overdone fight scenes but it's supposed to be that way. It's like the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale had an orgy with The Matrix, The Wizard of Oz, and American McGee's "Alice" and this was the result. There's a mix of modern language, weapons, and more in an old world setting that just sort of works and the movie, while nodding to the fairy tale and of course drawing inspiration from it, doesn't at all try to be something it's not.
What it IS is just flat out fun with some good fight scenes, quotable quips and one-liners, very above average special effects for a "bad" movie, and some decent acting as well.
If I have but one critique it's that the movie is lacking a little bit in character/plot development and hurries along at a pretty fast pace. The total runtime of the theatrical release is just under 90 minutes (and realize a few minutes of that is opening and closing credits) and I feel that with a solid 10 minutes more or so they could have fleshed out the plot and the characters a little bit more. As it is it's pretty one-dimensional on all fronts which is mostly fine for a movie like this and perhaps the planned sequel will delve into the characters a little bit more.
In conclusion this is a total "just go with it" film. You can definitely judge this book by its cover. It's a movie titled "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters," you sort of know what you're getting yourself into. It's entertaining and it knows what it is.
"We learned a couple of things while we were trapped in that house. One, never walk in to a house made of candy. And two, if you're gonna kill a witch, set her ass on fire."
Four out of Five Crusader Dudes.
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